Samsara

Samsara.

Old patterns.

Cycles. 

Same story. 

Same outcome. 

We've been there, right? 

More than once. 

Repeating the same stories with different characters at different times.

Worse when we believe that perhaps this time, yes, this time, the same characters at a different time will yield a different outcome. 

This city has me in a grip I cannot describe. Like a moth to the flame, I just have to keep coming back. The streets feel familiar, the electrical charge in the air fills my reserves and the people I meet shift and change my path. 

Long ago, I met a man here and in a sense, he brought me back to life. Reviving a woman laid in ashes from the fiery end of a past relationship. I reclaimed the Venus in my sexuality, my sense of femininity and remembered what it was to be cherished for everything woman about me. 

It was (and is) beautiful but we have a samsara together, a clause in our karmic contract that damns any chance of fulfilling what I imagine and expect in my heart. 

When life moves quickly, it's easy to blow past the whirlpools, the black holes, the vacuum that is samsaras. 

But in moments like this, sipping a coffee in a cafe, striding through the old streets, sitting as the subway cars speed along the underground network of rails or when I catch myself in a stolen moment of quietude... I'm helplessly pulled. 

I have to reverse what feels like a freight train of want and quick easy fulfillment in just one simple phone call, a single text message. 

And yet, I don't truly love him.

So why? 

It is a samsara, it is a cycle that I am karmically drawn to and damned to repeat again... and again... and again if I am not mindful. 

I remind myself that it is wonderful when it happens but I am left completely occupied and consumed in picking up pieces after, leaving me totally oblivious to anything new and wonderful for what feels like eternity. 

So, 

I close my eyes. 

I breathe deeply. 

I touch my heart space to offer and bolster it with strength and love for self. 

I let the moments of now pass by, hyper aware of the present in all that I can hear, sense and feel. 

I come back to self. 

And in coming back,

I'm whole again. 

I'm home again.